Riding around on my scooter every day I’m painfully aware of just how bad potholes are for you,  your car/bike/scooter/motor bike and – at least in my case – my back. You hit one of those deep suckers and boy do you feel it. So, when I saw this use of potholes to slow down traffic, my first reaction was “ouch”, but my second was “brilliant.

Check it out. If you saw these you’d slow down too wouldn’t you!

Potholes

Yikes

Trickery

Genius eh.

Think how much money you could save on traffic control by hiring a few clever artists

There’s two fish in a tank. One says to the other, “How do you drive this thing?”

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn’t find any.

My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that

A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named Amal. The other goes to Spain where the family who adopt him name him  Juan. Years later Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. When she sees the picture she breaks down in tears and says to her husband, “He’s so handsome and lovely. I just wish I also had a picture of Amal. Her husband says “Why? They’re twins. If you’ve seen Juan you’ve seen Amal.”

British researchers, who apparently had very little else to do, recently compiled a list of 1,000 jokes and whittled them down to 50, then asked 36,000 people to vote on which ones they thought were the funniest. Here’s the top few.

A woman gets on the bus with her baby. The bus driver says ‘ugh, that’s the ugliest baby I’ve ever seen.” The woman walks to the back of the bus and sits down, fuming. The man next to her says “What’s wrong?” She says “the bus driver just insulted me.” The man says “You shouldn’t stand for that, you go up there and tell him off. Go on, I’ll hold your monkey for you.”

I went to the zoo the other day. It only had one animal. A dog. It was a shitzu.

Did you hear about the dyslexic man who walked into a bra.

Did you hear the one about the man who went to buy some camoflage trousers? He couldn’t find any.

Did you hear about the two television aerials who met on the roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony was rubbish but the reception was brilliant.

Hell vs Heaven

The Devil was constantly challenging St Peter to a game of soccer, but St Peter refused, until one day while walking around’ heaven he discovered that quite a number of international footballers had entered the ‘pearly gates’.

“I think I’ll arrange to play that soccer game,” said St Peter to the Devil. “We have a great number of international soccer stars in heaven at the moment from which to select a winning team.”

“You’ll lose, you’ll lose!” taunted the Devil. “What makes you so sure we’ll lose?” asked, St Peter. “Because,” laughed the Devil, “we have all the referees down here.”

Deviish Refs!

The Queen of England was out on the royal yacht, off the coast of South Africa, just before the World Cup began. The queen was enjoying the sea air when she spied a man in the water off the port bow – clearly being menaced by a very large shark. Through her binoculars she could see it was Portuguese football star Cristiano Ronaldo, struggling frantically to free himself from the jaws of a 20 foot shark!

The queen ordered the captain to change course to try and save the poor man, but she knew the yachts top speed would never get them there in time.

At that exact moment a speedboat containing three men wearing England football shirts sped into view. One of the men took aim at the shark and fired a harpoon into its ribs, immobilising it instantly. The other two reached out and pulled Ronaldo from the water and, using long clubs, beat the shark to death.

They bundled the bleeding, semi-conscious Ronaldo into the speedboat along with the dead shark and prepared for a hasty retreat, when they heard frantic calling ……. It was the Queen calling them to the yacht.

When they reached the yacht the Queen went into raptures about the rescue and said, “I’ll give you a knighthood for your brave actions. I thought the England team would hate Ronaldo because of his cheating antics in the last  World Cup. But I see that the England team are true heroes and should serve as a model for sportsmanship to other countries.”

She knighted them and sailed away.

As she departed Rooney asked the others, “Who was that?!” “That,” Beckham answered, “was our Queen. She rules the Commonwealth and knows everything about our country.”

“Well,” Rooney replied, “she knows sod all about shark fishing. How’s the bait holding up ?”

Cristiano Ronaldo apologizes to Wayne Rooney for cheating

A Catholic priest and a rabbi are sitting on a plane and the priest turns to the rabbi and says “I hope you don’t mind me asking this but I know your faith forbids you to eat pork. Have you ever tried it?”

The rabbi said “Yes, actually, I did once. My curiosity got the better of my religious adherence and I ate some.”

The priest said, “fascinating, fascinating.”

Then the rabbi said to the priest. “Tell me, your religion requires you to be celibate, but have you ever strayed?”

The priest said. “To my shame I have. Once. I allowed the temptations of the flesh to get the better of me.”

The rabbi said “It’s better than pork isn’t it!”

How many managed care reviewers does it take to change a light bulb?

Five.

One to receive the authorization forms and put them at the bottom of a pile.

One to put the pile in a storage closet

One to refuse to authorize the light bulb change because the proper authorization forms were never received.

One to process the resubmitted authorization forms and the final one to authorize a ten-watt light bulb because it uses less electricity.

The leaders of the big beer companies meet for a drink. The president of Budweiser orders a Bud, the CEO of Miller gets a Miller, the head of Coors orders a Coors, and so on. Until it’s Arthur Guinness’s turn. He orders a soda.

“Why didn’t you order a Guinness?” everyone asks.

Guinness replies, “if you guys aren’t having beer, then neither will I.”

A young lawyer was attending the funeral of his former boss, the director of a hospital billing service. Another lawyer who worked for the same company arrived late at the funeral. He slid into the pew behind the first lawyer and asked the first lawyer where they were in the service. The young lawyer nodded towards the priest who was getting up to deliver his sermon saying “He’s just opening for the defense!”