Hell vs Heaven

The Devil was constantly challenging St Peter to a game of soccer, but St Peter refused, until one day while walking around’ heaven he discovered that quite a number of international footballers had entered the ‘pearly gates’.

“I think I’ll arrange to play that soccer game,” said St Peter to the Devil. “We have a great number of international soccer stars in heaven at the moment from which to select a winning team.”

“You’ll lose, you’ll lose!” taunted the Devil. “What makes you so sure we’ll lose?” asked, St Peter. “Because,” laughed the Devil, “we have all the referees down here.”

Deviish Refs!

The Queen of England was out on the royal yacht, off the coast of South Africa, just before the World Cup began. The queen was enjoying the sea air when she spied a man in the water off the port bow – clearly being menaced by a very large shark. Through her binoculars she could see it was Portuguese football star Cristiano Ronaldo, struggling frantically to free himself from the jaws of a 20 foot shark!

The queen ordered the captain to change course to try and save the poor man, but she knew the yachts top speed would never get them there in time.

At that exact moment a speedboat containing three men wearing England football shirts sped into view. One of the men took aim at the shark and fired a harpoon into its ribs, immobilising it instantly. The other two reached out and pulled Ronaldo from the water and, using long clubs, beat the shark to death.

They bundled the bleeding, semi-conscious Ronaldo into the speedboat along with the dead shark and prepared for a hasty retreat, when they heard frantic calling ……. It was the Queen calling them to the yacht.

When they reached the yacht the Queen went into raptures about the rescue and said, “I’ll give you a knighthood for your brave actions. I thought the England team would hate Ronaldo because of his cheating antics in the last  World Cup. But I see that the England team are true heroes and should serve as a model for sportsmanship to other countries.”

She knighted them and sailed away.

As she departed Rooney asked the others, “Who was that?!” “That,” Beckham answered, “was our Queen. She rules the Commonwealth and knows everything about our country.”

“Well,” Rooney replied, “she knows sod all about shark fishing. How’s the bait holding up ?”

Cristiano Ronaldo apologizes to Wayne Rooney for cheating

A Catholic priest and a rabbi are sitting on a plane and the priest turns to the rabbi and says “I hope you don’t mind me asking this but I know your faith forbids you to eat pork. Have you ever tried it?”

The rabbi said “Yes, actually, I did once. My curiosity got the better of my religious adherence and I ate some.”

The priest said, “fascinating, fascinating.”

Then the rabbi said to the priest. “Tell me, your religion requires you to be celibate, but have you ever strayed?”

The priest said. “To my shame I have. Once. I allowed the temptations of the flesh to get the better of me.”

The rabbi said “It’s better than pork isn’t it!”

How many managed care reviewers does it take to change a light bulb?

Five.

One to receive the authorization forms and put them at the bottom of a pile.

One to put the pile in a storage closet

One to refuse to authorize the light bulb change because the proper authorization forms were never received.

One to process the resubmitted authorization forms and the final one to authorize a ten-watt light bulb because it uses less electricity.

The leaders of the big beer companies meet for a drink. The president of Budweiser orders a Bud, the CEO of Miller gets a Miller, the head of Coors orders a Coors, and so on. Until it’s Arthur Guinness’s turn. He orders a soda.

“Why didn’t you order a Guinness?” everyone asks.

Guinness replies, “if you guys aren’t having beer, then neither will I.”

A young lawyer was attending the funeral of his former boss, the director of a hospital billing service. Another lawyer who worked for the same company arrived late at the funeral. He slid into the pew behind the first lawyer and asked the first lawyer where they were in the service. The young lawyer nodded towards the priest who was getting up to deliver his sermon saying “He’s just opening for the defense!”

A managed care reviewer died and went to hell and found himself in a room with the Devil and hundreds of clocks. Each clock had the name of a profession written on it and all of them were turning at different speeds. The reviewer asked the Devil why they all  moved at different speeds, the Devil replied “The hands turn based on how often people in that profession commit sins – so that’s why the nuns clock turns much slower than the priests and social workers turn slower than politicians.” “Ok, said the reviewer, “But then where is the clock for managed care reviewers.” The Devil looked around for a minute and then said “Oh yea, we keep that in the workshop. It’s used as a fan.”

A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the old wild west. He hops up to the bar and says to the barman “I’m looking for the man who shot my paw!”

A little boy swallowed some coin and was taken to the local hospital Emergency Room. A few hours later his grandmother called to see how he was doing. The nurse told her “No change yet”

Did you hear about the butcher who backed up into his meat grinder. He was ok but he got a little behind in his work.