Court in the act

by admin on February 23, 2012

They say that justice is blind. After reading these actual transcripts from court cases it also appears to be dumb a lot of the time.

* Lawyer: “Was that the same nose you broke as a child?”

Witness: “I only have one, you know.”

 

* Lawyer: “Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?”
* Witness: “By death.”
* Lawyer: “And by whose death was it terminated?”

 

* Accused, Defending His Own Case: “Did you get a good look at my face when I took your purse?”
The defendant was found guilty and sentenced to ten years in jail.

* Lawyer: “What is your date of birth?”
* Witness: “July 15th.”
* Lawyer: “What year?”
* Witness: “Every year.”

* Lawyer: “Can you tell us what was stolen from your house?”
* Witness: “There was a rifle that belonged to my father that was stolen from the hall closet.”
* Lawyer: “Can you identify the rifle?”
* Witness: “Yes. There was something written on the side of it.” * Lawyer: “And what did the writing say?”
* Witness: “‘Winchester’!”

* Lawyer: “What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?”
* Witness: “Gucci sweats and Reeboks.”

* Lawyer: “Can you describe what the person who attacked you looked like?”
* Witness: “No. He was wearing a mask.”
* Lawyer: “What was he wearing under the mask?”
* Witness: “Er…his face.”

* Lawyer: “This myasthenia gravis — does it affect your memory at all?”
* Witness: “Yes.”
* Lawyer: “And in what ways does it affect your memory?”
* Witness: “I forget.”
* Lawyer: “You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you’ve forgotten?”

* Lawyer: “How old is your son, the one living with you?”
* Witness: “Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can’t remember which.”
* Lawyer: “How long has he lived with you?”
* Witness: “Forty-five years.”

* Lawyer: “What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?”
* Witness: “He said, ‘Where am I, Cathy?'”
* Lawyer: “And why did that upset you?”
* Witness: “My name is Susan.”

* Lawyer: “Sir, what is your IQ?”
* Witness: “Well, I can see pretty well, I think.”

* Lawyer: “Did you blow your horn or anything?”
* Witness: “After the accident?”
* Lawyer: “Before the accident.”
* Witness: “Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it.”

* Lawyer: “Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing?”
* Witness: “Yes.”
* Lawyer: “Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?”
* Witness: “Yes, sir.”
* Lawyer: “What did she say?”
* Witness: “‘What disco am I at?'”

* Lawyer: “Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?”
* Witness: “No.”
* Lawyer: “Did you check for blood pressure?”
* Witness: “No.”
* Lawyer: “Did you check for breathing?”
* Witness: “No.”
* Lawyer: “So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?”
* Witness: “No.”
* Lawyer: “How can you be so sure, Doctor?”
* Witness: “Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.”
* Lawyer: “But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?”
* Witness: “Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.”

* Lawyer: “How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?”

* Lawyer: “And you check your radar unit frequently?”
* Officer: “Yes, I do.”
* Lawyer: “And was your radar unit functioning correctly at the time you had the plaintiff on radar?”
* Officer: “Yes, it was malfunctioning correctly.”

* Lawyer: “What happened then?”
* Witness: “He told me, he says, ‘I have to kill you because you can identify me.'”
* Lawyer: “Did he kill you?”
* Witness: “No.”

* Lawyer: “Now sir, I’m sure you are an intelligent and honest man–”
* Witness: “Thank you. If I weren’t under oath, I’d return the compliment.”

* Lawyer: “You were there until the time you left, is that true?”

* Lawyer: “So you were gone until you returned?”

* Lawyer: “The youngest son, the 20 year old, how old is he?”

* Lawyer: “Were you alone or by yourself?”

* Lawyer: “How long have you been a French Canadian?”

* Witness: “He was about medium height and had a beard.”
* Lawyer: “Was this a male or a female?”
* Lawyer: “Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn’t you?”
* Witness: “I went to Europe, sir.”
* Lawyer: “And you took your new wife?”
* Lawyer: “I show you Exhibit 3 and ask you if you recognize that picture.”
* Witness: “That’s me.”
* Lawyer: “Were you present when that picture was taken?”

* Lawyer: “Were you present in court this morning when you were sworn in?”

After reading this the only proper way to answer a question “Are you showing contempt for the court?” is “Actually your honour I was trying to hide it!”

 

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